Why do adopted children feel abandonment

Every last detail of this article describes my tumultuous life. Perhaps this will aid your friend understand how their physiological responses to stress impacts behavior and emotion. I too struggle with being honest and vulnerable, comfortable in my own skin, accepting my failings, fear of rejection, isolation, rage and depression.

Little did I know that so much of my mental state comes from being adopted. I am 56 and I started self InJuring when I was very little. I was still abused, physically by beatings, and being neglected by being ignored because church socializing was much more important. Bible studies all the time. We, my brother, also adopted, also with problems, and I were required to come out, say hi, then go back to are separate rooms to be extremely quiet, for hours.

Bare butt. I was a sensitive kid and learned very early not to have any feelings and so now I am trying to learn what they are and what to do with them. I forget, I lose things, I can even cut myself and not realize I have. I had always wished I had never been born, that I should have been aborted, at least that way I might have come in later to a family that could have kept me, one that I could relate to, in more ways then one. Adoption is not always a answer. I was taken away from my biological parents around 4 or 5 and in foster care until age 9.

I got adopted by a wonderful lady when I was around 11 but she died a month after I turned 14 from cancer. I meet my real family on Facebook and they were so close to each other I wanted to be like them , and be apart of a huge family.

I am almost 70 years old, had a happy family upbringing in the U. I dabbled with finding my birth mother over several years, initially triggered when I became a mother myself. After her death I traced three of my four siblings. This turned out to be a bitter sweet experience as it turned out that I was not her oldest child as I had always imagined but her second. Two of these sisters were extremely welcoming towards me and my family but whilst it was lovely to meet people whom I had a physical resemblance, there was no emotional attachment and indeed I found the meetings quite false and traumatic.

When I moved house I used it as an excuse to break ties with them. Over the years I have recognised that despite a successful career I have never felt accepted for being myself and nwhilst I am described as an outgoing, friendly person I have numerous past friendships that have withered on the vine because as soon as I show my true self I am rejected.

I have learnt to be what I think other people want me to be and whenever I take the risk to be myself, I am rejected. Adoption is a lifetimes burden and I say that despite the fact I had two amazing parents and brothers.

On a more positive note, now as a grandmother at long last I believe my grandchildren accept and love me for who I am. So brilliantly described. I , among the thousands of others like myself adopted at birth in New Zealand between up until mid s transversed the highs and lows of the adoptee legacy. I feel an immense appreciation and deep level of understanding while reading the very personal and so many times the emotionally painful journeys we have endured.

Reflecting 53 years down the track, adoption and I were regular fighting partners, everything I was from my beginning, over 53 years right up until today directly originated from being adopted. I had to learn the skills of endurance and resilience to come out the winner. I fought all of these issues from my adopted opponent in the boxing ring for years.

Age 53 years on, I choose to step out of the boxing ring, hold my head up high knowing that my being adopted 53 years ago was outside of my control. I do walk my journey with those I love and who love me together.

Lia Brewer August 18, I was taken from my Biological Mother at the age of 4 because they say that I was neglected, placed as a ward of the court, put in foster care by social services where I was physically, sexually and mentally assaulted until the age of 11 actually where I was finally adopted by a Couple with their own daughter. The woman ended up being a real piece of work, she drank often with her best friend and ridiculed and ostracized me most nights, there was nothing I was ever praised for by this woman in front of her friend.

When I started my Period at the age of 9, she told that I made My self sick. One of my first foster mothers tried drowning me, her husband sexually abused at He could keep his hands to himself. I resented having my name changed at the age of 6 where I knew perfectly well what it was.

This woman put her head back and cried loudly when I think back about it, it was so fake. Hello everyone, I am an adoptive mom. I adopted my daughter and twin brother from foster care. Their mom was adiicted to drugs, sadly my daughter seemed to suffer the most mentally from it.

She is now 18 years old, and took off to live with her boyfriend and his family. They are only dating 4 months. Sadly our family has lost all contact with her, even her twin brother she no longer associates with. My husband and I have tried to text, call, etc, but are not receiving any response. She has had an extreme amount of issues throughout her life hospitalization, police, cutting, etc.

We worked through these issues, and were doing well. There was an issue of me asking for help, but she had to go with her boyfriend so he could help his family. The next day, again I asked for help, but he needed to leave and she followed. That evening, after a bad day of being overwhelmed, and having to clean up some of her mess, I exploded.

Her boyfriend took her to his house, and she basically cut us out of her life completely. I know I was wrong for exploding at her, but in my heart I feel if she could have taken one hour to assist me none of this ever would have happened. I know we are both at fault for that night. I did seek therapy. They tell me to let her go for now, but my heart is crying just to speak with her or see her.

Can someone please give this heartbroken adoptive family guidance on what I can do for my daughter. I know I am missing something, but with her not speaking to us, I do not know what it is. I appreciate any input you can give. Thank you in advance. After suffering from panic and anxiety I felt I needed to investigate possible reasons. I was adopted at6 months to an incredible family. Because the feelings I experienced seem to go hand in hand with a poor childhood with abuse or lacking love neither which I experienced.

How ever my need to please or fix or never be the one that caused someone to feel bad seem to stem from the fear of being given away or not wanted.

It seems hard to understand that at 6 months old I might have been cognitively aware enough to feel abandoned. Hello, are there any online support groups that are somewhere. They have groups like this online for Recovery of many things, so I am wondering how about for adult children that were adopted. I have looked into intherooms. Hi Heather. I have the same confusing feelings.

Still waiting! I just felt the need to let you know that you are not alone. However, the not feeling good enough, has lasted. But in looking back my adopted parents never told me , good job, well done. Never praised. Also never in my lifetime have I heard them tell me they love me.

Everyone was shocked that I could sing and was telling me how beautiful it was. My mother chimed in, oh course she can sing, she got that from me! Never once saying how nice. She also never heard me sing alone before. I was adopted at 9 months. Can you recommend any good literature for an adoptee suffering from pretty much all of the above?

I need to get my shit together. Would love some direction on reading material. Also, to all of you feeling the same way — I SEE you!! Hi Claudia, Please contact us through the contact page for the support and recommendations available.

I highly recommend them both to help you understand and process the loss, grief and issues around adoption. Primal Wound 4. Podcast- Adoptees On. Loss of identity is my major issue. Find life pointless and abserb. Zero self esteem and motivation. Enduring total mental health bi polar so darkness is my state of being. Drug addictio. Never wanted kids and hate love. Feel alienation no self. Covid 19 unemployment yet adore second lockdown AK NZ.

Find respite and solice in music. Adopted from birth by exceptional loving grandparents. Close 2 birth Mother and all nine siblings. Am a completely broken puzzle with pieces missing. Struggling through each day. How is it going and I reply U cannot deal with my reality always suicidal. Yet am still good honest productive humorous popular wise encourageing person inspite of my mental paralysis.

Hi Darrin, Please contact us through the contact page if you are interested in the options and support available. My wife is adopted and we have never talked about her being adopted. I can see many of the symptoms that you write about in her and how they affect her and our marriage. Wish we had gotten counseling years ago.

Hi Davy, If you and your wife are open to it, please contact us through the contact page for the options and support available. Can you please share tips for people who are in romantic relationships with someone who was adopted and have some if not all of these issues? My boyfriend was adopted and I can tell he is trying so hard to make me happy but part of him is shut down to me. There are several other issues that we have that are talked about in this article.

Please help… thank you! I just found birth relatives. I am biologically related to this crazy story. I saw pictures of the birth mother, and now when I look in a mirror, I can see her. We resemble each other quite a bit. This has affected me in a negative way. I was adopted at six weeks from the hospital in which I was born. I have always felt ostracised from my adoptive narcissistic mother, now departed.

I have learned to live a solitary existence now after two failed marriages. I have pieced together a sense of self after many years of suffering. I believe my rights were never considered and still are not acknowledged. I had the chance to meet my birth mother some years ago but chose not to fearing further emotional turmoil. I feel betrayed by all who participated in the adoption. Multiple immune diseases affect my life and I believe are the result of past traumas caused by the adoption process and the family I was so carelessly thrown into.

I am recently married to a woman who was adopted. She is a wonderful person in many many ways. However, I can see a trace of all the characteristics you mention in the above article. However, the one that is significant is the intimacy difficulties. This was a surprise to me as I never met a woman who did not want to be intimate and I always considered that to be a strong female desire. What can I do as a caring new husband to help penetrate this realm and enhance our relationship?

Separation can constitute an actual trauma and drive significant developmental changes. An adoptive mother is, of course, perfectly capable of loving and connecting with her child, but she does so without some of the tools the biological mother has to intuitively respond to the child. We generally see a lot of emotional dysregulation as well as generalized relational difficulties with parents and peers.

The first step in the healing process is to get the parents and child talking about the impact of adoption—acknowledging that there is loss involved. In short? Attachment styles in relationships were similar for both adoptees and non-adopted individuals. Every adoptee is different, and no one knows an adoption story like the individual most affected. Some adoptees believe that their adoptee relationship issues stem from their placement with adoptive parents.

Issues involving adoptees and intimate relationships are often assumed to be the result of the original trauma from birth mother separation. Some adoptees and adoption researchers hypothesize that when an infant is separated from the woman they bonded with for the nine months in utero, it affects their future attachment styles.

Knowing the potential reasons behind your adoptee relationship issues may help — or it may just further confuse you, especially if you still have no clue where your relationship fears come from. A licensed mental health professional can make all the difference in this situation.

We encourage you to seek out an adoption-trained therapist to work through any recurring adoptee relationship issues and concerns. A counselor competent in adoption can help you examine your fears about relationships, get to the bottom of them and provide some helpful guidance moving forward. Keep in mind the end result, for there may be many unexpected curves yet ahead. You were with him through every twist and turn of the way. Subscribe to Blog via Email Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Email Address. I would be confused too identification. Many adoptees feel this way sympathize. The growth on one side of the tree may be more vigorous than on another side, The shape of the tree may change. An interesting twist or curious split has replaced what might have otherwise been a straight line.

The tree flourishes; it bears fruit, provides shade, becomes a home to birds and squirrels. It is not the same tree it would have been had there not been a lightening storm, but some say it is more interesting this way. Few can even remember the event that changed its shape forever. Share on Tumblr. Like this: Like Loading Previous post. Next post.